Overcoming Fears

My pretty little NICU baby.

Do you have something you fear, something that eats away at you and sometimes becomes an obsession that threatens to overwhelm you.Nothing makes me sadder than the thought of loosing a child or my amazing husband. I am comforted to know that we are sealed for time and all eternity, but the thought of the rest of my life without part of my amazing family makes my heart physically ache. Lately I keep stumbling across blogs about loss and after a post or two the fear threatens to take over. The thought of a stillborn, or the death of a baby makes me not want to ever try for another one. But then I remember all that we have been promised. And while I know the pain would be overwhelming I have to remember that I have been on the threshold of such a fear becoming a reality. And in that moment that we thought we would loose our firstborn after only holding him for a minute and not having the chance to know him I can't forget the comfort we received knowing he was ours forever no matter the outcome. I am in awe of so many women who forage on after such pain, I pray every day that my strength is not tested. I need to focus more on enjoying the moment, letting the craziness and pure chaos that seems to follow my children slide and just enjoy their laughter, their love, and all the pure joy they bring to our lives. I think more than anything I need to focus on how good life is, and what kind of ways I want to spend my short time here on this beautiful earth.

House of Chaos

Today I noticed something I have never before noticed. I have been deceived. A certain short person led us to believe that he would be the easy child. He was always such a laid back baby, a go with the flow type of kid. But as he inches closer to one and a half he has become a master of destruction, a climber with no fear, and someone who is more whole and content when he is in my arms. Some of it I love, some of it I laugh at while shaking my head in disbelief that such things could occur to a child. And when worst comes to worse I allow the destruction and wait for daddy to get home. Today we decided to by-pass total house destruction for a few hours and go for a walk, feed the pigs rocks, (don't your children do that?) and eat the last of our tomatoes. When we returned they let the destruction hit a whole new level, and aforementioned short one decided to try and climb the stove while dinner cooked.

Letting the Love show.

I have noticed something about writing down my love for my children makes me more grateful for them. That said I am going to try to keep up with this better. What mother doesn't need a few minutes to reflect on all the love received and so easily given between mother and child. Moments good and bad need to be remembered, you never know how many more you will have and while I know that love reigns eternal and that this life isn't all we have together I want to cherish every moment I spend with those who own me heart and soul. As some of you know I consider myself a photographer (These days who doesn't ; ) ) and my main goal as said photographer is to focus more on lifestyle photography. While I may one day not be able to feel the weight of my baby on my chest, or the feel of their soft hands, their silky chubby bellies I want to have photo's of it all. When I look at a picture I feel what I felt in the moment. The love, the laughter, and sometimes the frustration of getting two crazy boys to stop moving to fast for a slow shutter speed and natural light! I want to remember this life, and especially the part where I have babies and little ones moment by moment. 

An oldie but goodie.

The Legacy of Lucas

Today I was looking through the participants for the newest installment of the Sling Diaries, while reading through Moments with Love I came across the story of Lucas and of course bawled my eyes out.  There is something about being a mother that changes you in a way nothing else can, it doesn't matter if you gave birth to the child or not being a mother gives you empathy and a level of caring that can be at times painful. Lucas was an orphan in Uganda, abandoned but lucky enough to find someone who loved him, she was to young to have him, to poor, and before she could find someone to take him, to love him, he was lost to her. It's a story that tears at your heart and makes you hold your children a little longer and a little closer. Initially I only thought of it from the side of the babies, how could someone do that to them? How could you abandon a child to world where they are only loved by care takers not family? It makes me want to have another child just to know that they will be sent somewhere they are loved, or adopt one that needs that love. But then I thought of their mothers. The poor women who believe that this is what's best for their child not because they don't love them but because they don't have the means to take care of them, they can't afford the food these babies need, or the basic items it takes to keep them clean and healthy. The thought of being that mother, the one who cannot take care of this baby they love broke my heart in a whole new way. My goal is to do all I can to find a way to help those who have so little, here is a site you can donate to, to give babies diapers for a month, a year, or any amount you can. Think of how you would feel as one of these mothers or caretakers, hold you baby a little closer, ignore the infuriating things they do, and give all you can!

Child Led Weaning

We're at the point where Little Little doesn't ask to nurse often maybe every other day or so, I generally offer once (lately twice has been a little more often than once) a day and he almost always wants to nurse when I offer. Last time around the end of nursing was a relief, no more being bitten, no more hiding away to feed the baby making myself feel much more isolated than necessary. This time I can't seem to want to let go of it, it seems like I'll be letting go of the most beautiful connection and allowing my baby to go from baby to toddler. If my milk/Little little would allow I am convinced we would at minimum hit the 18 month point (that point I swore to the hubs would be the end of the line) Now that the end is here however I find myself not wanting to let go. The offering twice a day feels more like a desperate attempt to keep it going as well as any excuse to get my little one to sit still and cuddle for more than a minute or two. Nursing has brought such a beautiful connection to my children and I am so glad that it came with such ease, it's a connection I am clinging to even though I know when its time for it to end it wont change our relationship. I love the stages the boys are at and plan to have our next one have the same age gap (3 years) because it gives me time to give to the little one while he is still little while his brother is at school. I fear though I will be consumed with fierce baby hunger once again once the nursing is gone. Reading this article filled me with preemptive dread about the end of nursing. I am sure that a slow child led wean however should not produce the same effect. In some ways I am excited to have my body back, to be able to take something for a cold, or a horrible head ache. I'm sure the the last nurse will be any day now, and it will be an excuse for some hilarious chick flick, like what to expect, or Baby Mama which will inevitably make me feel good about not being pregnant and just loving on my awesome children.

Fall crafting

Fall is finally here! And that means Halloween is just around the corner, in celebration of future celebrating we have decorated our whole house and every day the boys are working on new projects to celebrate Fall. Here are some awesome Halloween masks ($1.50, thank you Joann's craft!) that have held their attention for hours and hours, the Dracula teeth for some reason are hilarious to Big little and he asks about them or points them out every time he puts it on. One of the best things about this was Little little has finally mastered what it means to paint, and he hardly eats any of it anymore! 

Teaching in the Kitchen

A big part of Montessori that drew me to it was having a child who could do practical things in the home that so many kids aren't taught anymore, So since fall is finally here and my baking is in full swing the Big little man learned how to make bread from scratch yesterday (don't mind the dishes, all our baking was well worth the giant mess) His favorite part was dumping in the ingredients and then folding the dough over and over.

Here is our favorite bread recipe at the moment, we just add a bit of garlic salt to the top (it is added to almost EVERYTHING in our house) 

Ingredients

• 2 cups warm water (110 degrees F/45 degrees C)
• 2/3 cup white sugar
• 1 1/2 tablespoons active dry yeast
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 6 cups bread flour

Directions

1. In a large bowl, dissolve the sugar in warm water, and then stir in yeast. Allow to proof until yeast resembles a creamy foam.
2. Mix salt and oil into the yeast. Mix in flour one cup at a time. Knead dough on a lightly floured surface until smooth. Place in a well oiled bowl, and turn dough to coat. Cover with a damp cloth. Allow to rise until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.
3. Punch dough down. Knead for a few minutes, and divide in half. Shape into loaves, and place into two well oiled 9x5 inch loaf pans. Allow to rise for 30 minutes, or until dough has risen 1 inch above pans.
4. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 minutes